Starting last night I’ve been really introspective. It started with an epiphany. I was telling a coworker how much good it would do for her to persue her hobbies and talents in sports that she had let slide with time, business and age. Then as I walked over the magazine section of the bookstore, I picked up Writer’s Digest adn something ‘clicked’ in me. It was like Ahah! I have let my gift, my hobby, my release, my sanity, my writing disolve.
I had told my friend that getting involved in her sports again would energize her, would boost her self confidence, and yet as I have spiraled down in my own self-confidence I have withdrawn further and further from what would have aided me the most – writing! I was inspired to go dig out my old journals. I had been a prolific writer for personal gain since I was 11. And then once I began the brutal battle for my life against anorexia, it became an on-again-off-again thing.
When I hurt the most and most needed to dig deep into my soul and come to know my heart. Just when I most needed to bear out my heart to the Lord or share my feelings and pain with another human, then I dropped my pen. I became almost afraid of knowing what was inside of me, and I certainly didn’t want anyone else to see the bloody shards of my heart. It was the worst case of writer’s block.
So last night, as I closing up shop with ‘J’ I bought the magazine and my excitement began to build. Just in the last 2 weeks I have become terribly aware of my dwindling physical state. At nearly 30 years of age, I’ve declined in weight and healthy habits back to where I was when I first entered treatment at 15-years-old. So I began again, more aggressively, to force ED (eating disorder) to ‘move out’. (Check out www.lifewithouted.com to understand this metaphor).
I’m not sure why this time feels different. I’ve certainly had the best of intentions before. But I sense God saying, “Dear one. You have all the tools. (2Peter 1:3)
‘My divine power has granted to you all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of ME who called you, Abby, to my own glory and excellence,’.You have tarnished my name and mocked my power and willingness to heal, by proclaiming my name and shunning my direction. I have overwhelming blessed you and given you access to so many means of healing. You have been counseled and loved, coached and taught. You have read all the materials and stayed in the right hospitals. Now, stand up. (Ex. 14;13) “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The [fears] you face today you will never see again.”So believe it or not something is different this time. I have nearly completed a full week of ‘different’. Of less fear. Of doing the fearful thing and falling into a God that is bigger. A God that is not manipulated by my calorie tallys or the suggestions of counselors. A God who’s creation of me was not dictated by an ideal size, a certain amout of self-control, my physical stamina, or my ability to perform ANYTHING!
Then as I glanced back over my old journals (I found nearly 15 of them I think) I found an autumn trend. Some of my most poignant writing was in the months of July, August, Sept.
The most painful part was reading from 1999 and seeing myself tallying calories in my journal! And reading about this 18-year-old girl saying, “Lord, I hurt again! I’m so tired of hurting! I have to feel better or I’m going to die.”
1998 – OK, well, I admit it – I’m not ready to give up. God you and I are at odds right now. You’re fighting for me – I am fighting against my own health and sanity. so why can’t I let go? Why is this sin so sadistically gratifying? Why do I want it so badly? Somehow you’ve got to get through to me God! Break Satan’s hold on my life in Jesus name!
2005 – Gracious God, is it fear or something recent that has changed again in me? My stomach feels bloated and angry again.Why? Please show your healing to me. Crush my anxiety and soothe my inmost parts.
And then to realize – I still feel this way? If I choose to stay with these lies and in the confine of my own rules and laws regarding food, exercise and weight – I’ll feel like this forever. It’s obviously cause and effect.
So here I am again. Claiming the absolute promise of a big God who loves me!
“Because of the iniquity of his unjust gain I was angry,
I struck him; I hid my face and was angry,
but he went on backsliding in the way of his own heart.
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners,
creating the fruit of the lips.
Peace, peace,to the far and to the near,” says the LORD,
“and I will heal him.”