I Loved You First, I Love You More


Happy Valentine’s Day Jesus.  A day late, I know.  Forgive me that I failed to remember!  I have gotten over expecting anything from my husband, alternatively, he doesn’t expect anything from me.  It is an over-hyped holiday.  Like a giant red mylar balloon puffed to capacity.  It floats over every young girl’s head.  If she is lucky, it is aloud to grow for a few seasons.  Then, its seams stretch just before it explodes with a world-crashing sound.  Unlike a pinata, no pink and red candy rains down.  The boom has no glory, and that sends her into bitter man-hatred for an equal number of years.

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But I don’t mean to be negative.  I have been given the greatest love imaginable.  The manliest of men, a brawny carpenter is the love of my life.  It happened 23 years ago, I’m so proud of that anniversary and our longevity, but that is not owing to me.  I would have allowed fear, anger, disloyalty and lust to destroy our romance.  Fortunately, He has an uncanny ability to forgive – everything.

I distract myself.  He said I caught his eye.  I was standing on the corner of my life, not the least bit aware of my unhappiness and lack of fulfillment, until He stood there.  Then, all of a sudden I was very aware of how nothing everything around me was.

He loves my eyes, He tells me.  That day they looked sad, focused on something far in the distance.  I was holding a map disconsolately at my side, fully given up on finding that distant point.

His name is Jesus.  He tells me he loves my eyes.  “I saw you there and I couldn’t decide if I had made your eyes blue or green.  Then I remembered how much you were going to like blue-green, so I made them hazel, a good mix of both colors.”

I remember how He approached me.  He walked right up to me, He stood, you know, kind of in my bubble.  “Hello, Beautiful.”  I melted.  His voice was like the sound of rushing waters – clear and bold, forceful and with the ability to polished rocks into pearly stones.  His eyes were a flashing blue – like that blue at the base of the flames in a roaring fire, or the fringes of a bolt of lightening.  He is so tall, like a cedar tree that has been standing and stretching and growing for hundreds of years.  He has been here, there forever.

“I’m sorry, Sir.  I am so lost.  The worst part is that I don’t even know where I am going or where I want to go.  How can I ever get there?”

“Sweetheart, you don’t need to go anywhere.  I have come to you.  I am where you want to be.  If you can wait just a little bit, I will take you to the most magnificent mansion.  I will carry you over the threshold to the serenade of a full orchestra.  But even until that day, I will be with you.”

I know I looked skeptical.  I had been standing on that corner for so long.  No one had offered me warmth or friendship or direction.  Now, this man, to beautiful to be true, was telling me all that I longed to hear.

“I have been looking just for you, and when I saw you, I loved you.  Oh, how I love you.  You are exquisite and ravishing.  I love every insecurity and question, and I have answers for all of them.  I love how much you need me and I am so excited to meet every need.”

Jesus, I was just remembering how you found me and I wanted to say Happy Valentine’s Day.  It seems so shallow and redundant, like the anti-climax of someone responding “I love you, too” only after prompted by not-so-subtle hints.  You said it first, but I want you to know how grateful I am.  I love you Jesus, I love you.  And I love you for saying it first.

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