Thoughts on thoughts


Forgive me Father.  I did not realize that I did not believe your love.  I would never have believed that I denied what you said, “I am love,” – denied your name.  That’s exactly what it is.

I have honestly seen salvation as a transaction.  You gave me Jesus, I gave you me.  I have pretended that it was a fair exchange and when I felt that I owed interest, I dug deep and threw in a few coins of mercy, stillness, prayer and groveling.  Why is it that the more I read about you, the less I see your love.  OK, actually, I haven’t been in your word  as much as in the past.  I think I have meditated a lot – on good things – as if that was equivalent.  Thinking about what I can write about you, how I can improve my behavior as a wife or inspire godliness in my husband.  I ponder how to loosen my grasp on sin. But how can I meditate on what I am not consuming – your word.

“Meditates on your law day and night.” Ps. 1 Not on my sins, or my gifts to you or my service.  I need to know you to hear what you say.

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