Friday, I promised to talk about familial lies. My only point of reference is my own family, so Friday has potential to be painfully revealing.
Familial lies spread like weeds through the generations. They are parasitic weeds that choke the life out a family tree. If they don’t kill it, they at least suck away the nutrients and leave the tree languishing thirstily in the sunlight’s scorching truth.
I am facing being abandoned…again. Sue is moving. Because my husband is active duty military we move frequently and on the years we don’t move, most of our friends do. I have lost some friends to motherhood. We are still close, but the dynamics change when a new little life demands more than all of her attention. I am not lonely all the time, and I am certainly not alone. But, mix alone and lonely together and you know how I feel.
Jesus is the only source of comfort. So I took my loneliness to Him. “Jesus, show me why I feel so lonely. Show me where this feeling comes from and tell me the truth.”
As I prayed I began to see the unlikely source of my pain. I started being afraid of abandonment when I was two. I am the oldest of three sisters. With each birth, I was automatically bumped in my position in the family. Suddenly there was one more little one with baser needs than I had. It was not my parents’ intention. I was loved and included. But deep inside I took my position as the oldest very seriously and little by little I became less of Mommy and Daddy’s little girl.
I was home schooled for nine years. In that time the close knit group that we formed with several other families, scattered to the four winds. In high school, I followed anorexia down a deadly path. I ended up hospitalized twice for a total of 6 months. Each time, my peers went on without me.
Now, my husband and I move every 2-3 years. Most of our friends move with their own military assignments. More than once, my husband has deployed for a year at a time.
Expendable. That’s how I feel. Every time I am displaced, the waters of life flow over like a busy stream bed – filling in all the cracks and spaces where I once was.
I heard the Lord say, “That is the lie.
“All my paths are steadfast love and faithfulness – from of old. I tire of nothing and no one. You are not alone. But you will feel that way sometimes. Writing is a gift that I have given you, so that you can enjoy being alone.”
(See Ps. 25)