The Lonely Lie

Friday, I promised to talk about familial lies.  My only point of reference is my own family, so Friday has potential to be painfully revealing.

Familial lies spread like weeds through the generations.  They are parasitic weeds that choke the life out a family tree.  If they don’t kill it, they at least suck away the nutrients and leave the tree languishing thirstily in the sunlight’s scorching truth.

I am facing being abandoned…again.  Sue is moving.  Because my husband is active duty military we move frequently and on the years we don’t move, most of our friends do.  I have lost some friends to motherhood.  We are still close, but the dynamics change when a new little life demands more than all of her attention.  I am not lonely all the time, and I am certainly not alone.  But, mix alone and lonely together and you know how I feel.

Jesus is the only source of comfort.  So I took my loneliness to Him.  “Jesus, show me why I feel so lonely.  Show me where this feeling comes from and tell me the truth.”

As I prayed I began to see the unlikely source of my pain.  I started being afraid of abandonment when I was two.  I am the oldest of three sisters.  With each birth, I was automatically bumped in my position in the family.  Suddenly there was one more little one with baser needs than I had.  It was not my parents’ intention.  I was loved and included.  But deep inside I took my position as the oldest very seriously and little by little I became less of Mommy and Daddy’s little girl.

I was home schooled for nine years.  In that time the close knit group that we formed with several other families, scattered to the four winds.  In high school, I followed anorexia down a deadly path.  I ended up hospitalized twice for a total of 6 months.  Each time, my peers went on without me.

Now, my husband and I move every 2-3 years.  Most of our friends move with their own military assignments.  More than once, my husband has deployed for a year at a time.

Expendable.  That’s how I feel.  Every time I am displaced, the waters of life flow over like a busy stream bed – filling in all the cracks and spaces where I once was.

I heard the Lord say, “That is the lie.

“All my paths are steadfast love and faithfulness – from of old.  I tire of nothing and no one.  You are not alone.  But you will feel that way sometimes.  Writing is a gift that I have given you, so that you can enjoy being alone.”

(See Ps. 25)

5 thoughts on “The Lonely Lie

  1. Great idea for a blog- exploring lies we tell and believe. Great job! I was an army brat myself, very familiar with a lifestyle of moving and abandonment. I look forward to following your journey and thoughts!

    1. Thank you Deanna. I am “new” to the Army life, married into it having grown up in a civilian world. This is our fourth duty station, I don’t know that I will ever get good at it!

      I look forward to reading your blog too, and listening to your Itunes lessons. Do you continue to post new content on Itunes?

  2. Abby-

    You are probably the single most spectacular person I know! You are filled with the Spirit and it pours through you! Your right skills are impeccable and I love you so so much!

    ❤ Chelle

  3. I love the part in the novel Jane Eyre (Jane and her friend are in an orphanage) when her friend is dying and Jane doesn’t want her to die because she’ll be alone. Her friend tells Jane that she will never be alone. She has God and God loves her. Second, she has the gift of herself. Thirdly, she has all the friends she will meet and make in the future. Part of growing up is knowing we all are individually alone; no one is exempt. The point is to fall in love with ourselves; God did. If it is good enough for Him, it’s good enough for us. Who are we to countermand Him? (It’s taken me a long time to love and forgive myself, but I’m getting a lot better at it.)

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