A new, but familiar place in recovery

Body Image, body image, BoDyImAgE, BODYIMAGE, bodyimage

Oooo… what a scary topic, hot button issue.  Normal, skewed, strange, fat thin.  Normal.

We even have special names for our arbitrary definitions.  Funny, no matter how you spin it, they are all bodies, ultimately doing the same thing – letting you live there!

Recently, I wrote a post telling how my body image is improving.  The biggest improvement, really, is that I don’t think about my body as much.  In the past, my sickest years, every touch of skin to skin, every time my thigh splayed flat on the seat of my car, every time I fastened my watch, buttoned my shorts, slipped into a sleeveless shirt or lay down beside my husband, I was painfully aware of my appearance.

However, I’d be lying (which is NOT what I’m trying to do here on Predatory Lies!) if I implied that my body and I peacefully coexist now.  Let me share my prayer from this morning with you.

O Elohim, Creator,

My delightful hiding place.  I come to huddle in the safety of your shadow this morning.

I am in a half-hearted battle with my body, again.  I have a new appreciation for it that I haven’t experienced in so long!  It is strong and my thighs are shapely.  I can see muscle definintion in my arms and calves.  My hair grows quickly, my nails are strong and pretty.  I actually have abs and correographed muscles in my back.  I am very strong.  I can still run 5 miles, do tough drill workouts, swim and do the splits. I love being able to sit still when necessary and quietly listen to you.

Intimacy in my marriage is easier and more comfortable that it ever has been.  I feel sexy and sexual.  I am no longer afraid that I am uglier than every other girl my husband sees.

All that said, Abba Creator, I see food and realize that it is the goodness  you are usuing to affect these changes and somehow, I am still afraid.  I am becoming familiar with feeling full and hungry and sometimes that still scares me.  And sometimes I eat what I like when I am not hungry.

Sometimes, I still feel guilty for betraying my eating disorder identity.  Then I feel guilty for not believing You.  And then I am caught here in the middle of hating myself for two opposing reasons.  help

“Abby, there is no sin here.  You do not need to plan differently for tomorrow and apologize for today’s behavior.  Even if it were a sin, Darling, all your plans against it would be fruitless.  This eating you are doing is learning to trust and obey me – the Author and constructor of your body.

And Abby, my love is extravagant.  I share with you the secrets of my heart.  I have called you my friend and I direct your steps.” taken from Ps. 25

[Dear reader, this is a recalling of some of the painful feelings I had in my sickest days.  Then, it is their echo that still resounds in my life sometimes today.  If you have dealt with anorexia, bulimia or an eating disorder not otherwise specified, then you probably will identify easily with the polarized thoughts that I describe here.  If so, I encourage you to look intently at the things you do like about your body (no matter how few).  I realize that this may be impossible if you have not begun recovery from your eating disorder.  Journal it, write it down and tell the Heavenly Father exactly where you are.  Listen to Him as He will gently rebuke your guilt and lovingly affirm your beauty and purpose.]

Healing Words From a Dialogue With God

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