From my journal – April 28, 2008


Who would have thought that a physical body could be such a hindrance, such a stumbling block from knowing its own Creator?

My own arms hold me back

And my own legs run away from the peace and security my heart is dying for.

Oh it hurts so badly.

Vanity sucks my life away.

Eyes that analyze my shoulders, abs, curves and lines fail to gaze upon the solution to their insufficiency.

 

A freewill offering, not commanded. Given for the joy it evokes, the freedom that follows, unchained from a fatal devotion.

 

It’s funny Beth and I were just noticing today how much I feel like a failure. That is what drives me to exercise, what fuels all my self-loathing and determines whether I’ll have a good or bad day.  Failure is the biggest fear surrounding my eating too.  Feeling too full or bloated afterwards is failure. Eating too many vegetables or not enough is failure – too much sugar, too much caffeine, too much fake sugar, not enough protein etc.  There are so many rules I still feel like I must meet.

That’s what destroys my exercise too.  Now that I don’t have the GPS system to monitor and track the intensity of my runs, I’m struggling with each workout to convince myself that it’s ‘good enough’.  I had planned something else, but the weather was beautiful this morning so I took off on an intuitive run.  But no matter how far I went, the pushups or pullups or Pilates I did when I got home, it would never satisfy ED.  And the scary thing is, I know he won’t be satisfied. Not tomorrow, not the next day, not by any feeble attempts – not as long as I stop – ever.

I have determined too that I like and somehow NEED to feel the pain.  I’m not sure what I’m punishing myself for but that’s  a significant element to making a workout sufficient – it has to hurt and it has to leave me sore. I want to feel the perpetual, all-day tired in my legs after a brutal run, I want my shoulders to ache after lifting and to feel it in my core every time I twist or turn.  I even found myself wondering, what’s another way to experience that kind of pain that would allow me to remove it from exercising.  Isn’t that sick??

I really had a rough day mentally today and I think a big part of it was that I didn’t do much with people.  I NEED people in a big way.  Patrick being gone and then having the day off – I spent tons of time on the phone which helped but I cleaned the house, cleaned the car, went to the park and did my Bible study but the greatest relief I had all day was taking a loaf of banana bread to Amber up at work and just seeing faces and talking to people.

 

So food-wise, I ate today.  But every bite was an enemy.  I didn’t feel I earned it.  I tried to remember to disconnect food from exercise – it is not an earned reward, but it’s so hard for me.

Please keep praying.

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