Recently, I wrote a post called Awake and Feeling Sick. Sick, that’s how I felt when I began to hear from my friends this morning. The small group I had in Bible study last year was the most amazing group of friends I have ever had. We shared raw feelings, spoke the truth in love, confided, cried and laughed. They surprised me for my birthday by sweeping me away (we played hooky from Bible study) and served carrot cake and coffee on one their patios.
We colored each other’s hair. We did facials and worked out together. They watched my dog for weeks on end. They took him to the vet twice when he got sick. They babysit for each other. We’ve seen each other in sweats, skirts, wedding pictures and not-so-pretty moments.
So, this morning a very active body of Christ called me on the hypocrisy and hurtfulness of my post. I have never ever been judged by any of them and for that matter by anyone in my church. I have seen them show love when it required the last ounce of energy. So, from their sincerity and Christ-like example where did I derive such vitriol toward the church and women’s ministry?
Satan is the master of lies. He is predatory and he loves to sneak in and gain a foothold under the guise of righteousness – usually self-righteousness. And that’s what happened.
I used the magic words, “I think God is calling me to…” and then filled in the blanks with what Abby wanted to do. Or I used that phrase to back out of what Abby didn’t want to do. I used it to hide my fears – fears about not being enough, failing and not being accepted.
So I’m sorry. I am so deeply sorry for criticizing the church, the body of Christ and especially the small, intimate group of women who love me and have helped me to grow. I am grateful that instead of becoming angry with me and abandoning me to my self-imposed loneliness, they called me. They spoke words of truth in love and have welcomed me back to a place of fellowship.
As a result of this chain of painful events, I’m going to take a break here at Predatory Lies. I think I have scared myself with the power of words and how far they can reach. I want to take time to consider my words instead of broadcasting or publishing my every thought.
P.S. I am going back to Breakaway, the Tuesday Bible study for women at my church. My friends confronted and then forgave. I can receive no greater blessing and I intend to reflect that love.