What Does Lying Get You??

Does lying about a Christmas gift get you coal in your stocking next year?


To Be Full

Caught red-handed,

Grimy fingers, white nails.

Clinched fists

Guarding one closed door.

Rigid back

Saucer eyes

My remaining treasures

How dare He ask for more!

Given all, well given most of

My time, my thoughts

My dreams and idols.

But the lastly things, dear to my core.

God NO! God Please!

Just this one thing.

I am willing now.

Let your spirit pour.

And fill most my space.

See, I’ve accepted most your grace.

Don’t tease me with the stories’ lore.

Of greater power,

When I have nothing left

I need this last, mark of my identity.

Who am I, if I am yours?

Most, nearly all,

Of me you have!

Can’t I finish the race

Without giving more?

No? Why not?

What use have you for my idol?

To crush and burn and destroy

Smashed as dust upon the floor.

So empty, alone. I look up.

And cry.

I’ve nothing left, nothing is mine.

But Jesus.

Against a Wall in the Dark

Wordless, speachless, soul-less I came.

Silent screaming only your name.

My anguish compounded by confusion.

I don’t know your words and can’t see your direction.

The only thing I feel is your presence.

My little frame of earth is still.

So my prayers stop moving from trembling lips.

Only tears follow gravity, like blood down Calvary’s hill.

Yesterday, I told a friend, that refinement, relationship requires pain.

The foundation of all the hope I have was laid with blood and agony of soul.

But God, I no longer “feel” saved and whole.

You left me here, alone it seems with only pages that fuel dreams.

Dreams of eternity, happy marriages, companionship, purpose and praise.


Has not enough pain sullied wounded hearts?

That their seams bulge toward threadbare death?

When death and lies and faithlessness assail all that once was “good”?

What do I know of good?

LIke a child in the dark, I’m groping backward.

All seems encroaching night, constricting to swallow me.

Eyes peeled open in panic.

Bricks mortared higher than I can climb.

A barrier that spins me to look the advancing cruelty in the eye.

God, Must I? Let Me Out! Let Me Go! Let Me Away.

Lean.  I think you said. Lean and slip limply to recline.

Recline against this Wall, this Rock until the storm passes by.

This, I your wall, will stay the tightening night.

I cannot fold, will not collapse.

This night will not crush you.

Happily Ever After in Whose World

Do you know why there was never a sequel to Cinderella?  How come no one ever told us what happened AFTER Aurora married the prince?  And seriously, I have always wondered what happened to Belle after Beast emerged from the sparkling whirlwind as gorgeous (subject to opinion) royalty.

I’ll tell you why in a world of prequels and sequels that ruin everything that a good movie had going for it – because “happily ever after” isn’t real.  In fact, even the producers can imagine what “happily ever after” would really look like, so leave it to our imaginations.  Unfortunately, that leaves us believing that our marriages aren’t delivering on the promise of “happily ever after.”

“Love is blind and marriage is the eye opener.” (Unknown)

I’m not picking on marriage.  I’m really not interested in matrimonial happiness.  I want you to think about what makes you happy.

A foundational lie is the idea that happiness is objective.  Think about those good old Disney movies.  Happiness = being pretty, having a prince, coming into money.  Or, think about what our culture tells adults.  Happiness = being thin like Princess Kate, having the perfect dress or other clothes, being able to afford vacations and nice cars, being gainfully and happily employed.

No, on your deepest level, you may not believe that these things equal happiness.  But, ask anyone you meet on the street, or sincerely ask yourself, “On the fly, off the top of your head – tell me what it takes to be happy.”

The Apostle Paul said, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Phil. 4:11

Take a look at these pictures, tell me, is happiness objective? or subjective?



Why? (and some really embarrassing answers)

I’m going to reference True Sisterhood again.  I am addicted (probably my only healthy addiction) to Christian teaching podcasts.  I binge on LifeChurch.tv , Janet Parshal  and True Sisterhood.

I carried my Ipod dock from the basement where I listened I as I worked out, to the kitchen for breakfast and then to the bedroom when I showered.  I didn’t want to miss a minute of the interview with Jeremy Rochford.  Jeremy is the author of The Gospel According to Chubby.  If the title doesn’t stop you, his opening will.

Jeremy tells the story of when his personal weight issues became a real problem.  Seventeen – an afternoon joyride at an amusement park became the worst day of his life when he literally got stuck in a go-kart.  The image sounds laughable until you hear him tell it and I swear I was crying alone in the kitchen.

Initially, Jeremy’s weight problem and my own anorexia seem polar opposites.  But our pain, issues, habits, obsessions, thoughts, fears, even many behaviors were just the same.

I hid food and hid from food situations.

I lied to my family so that they wouldn’t know the extent of my bizarre behavior.

I felt completely out of control of my own actions.

I felt like the world was my enemy.

I was terrified.

I was a Christian the whole time, seemingly faithless.

And it took forever for God to get through to me.

Jeremy is absolutely brilliant.  His thought processes toward recovery were so much more logical than my own.  In his story he mentions rationally asking himself “why” about so many of his disordered behaviors.  I tried to address the “why’s” in counseling hundreds of times.  Unfortunately, my therapist often let me off the hook with my helpless shrugs and noncommittal “I don’t know.”

So, in the privacy of the pages of my journal, and now in the “privacy” and honesty of this blog, I am asking myself 1) Why do I exercise? 2) Why do I eat?

I’m begging you, after I bear my soul and embarrassing reasons – please share your own!


to use up time

to obey all the rules

to keep from getting fat

to make me “better than others” (stronger, more toned, enviable)

to be noticed

because I have to

who else would I be?

so I can eat

for stability and constancy

because I’m afraid I am lazy at heart


because I have to

to impress others

to feel safe

to be busy

to prove my “betterness”

to practice restraint and discipline

because I am hungry

because something tastes good

because others are eating

because it’s there

So, that’ me.

Why Women Lie

OK women.  We know that we are really good at catching our spouses and our kids in the murkiness of their little white lies.  Sometimes we see through a fib before they even realize they are telling one.  But, if we’re honest, we tell our fair share of lies.  I heard an unscientific poll recently that said women lie more often to their girlfriends than to anyone else.  “This is my natural hair color.”  “I got this shirt for only $20!”  “I’m sorry I missed your call – I was in the shower.”  Uh huh.

Oprah had a guest recently who says that she can tell you why you lie.  What do you think?