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It’s Personal

I am quite skilled at containing two opinions in my own head and lobbying for dissenting convictions.

For many years, I hosted the little red devil on my left shoulder and the gleaming, screaming angel on my right.Simultaneously, they fed me suggestions. For a moment my head would cock to the right, imperceptibly to my acquaintances, then shift slightly to the left. My whole body would lean into one persuasion or the next, convinced of polar viewpoints, to the marrow of my bones with each new thought.

In the heat of an eating disorder, I couldn’t tell up from down as my very life hung in the balance. I often walked away from conversations unable to recall what someone had confided me; too consumed by the disagreement raging in my mind.

A counselor once told me to write out the dialogue. Maybe, if I could present the arguments to myself logically, on a page, then I could choose the merits of each opinion and come to a composite truth.

“You’re fat and ugly. You’re worthless and dispensable. In your sick obsession with anorexia, you’re a liability to your family. 

Talent? Don’t kid yourself. Did you see your sister? She’s capable of ten times what you can do.”

“Precious One! Don’t listen to that lie! You are a child of God. Eat, Dear One. God created you for His good purpose and He has promised to care for you physically as much as spiritually. You trust Jesus with eternity, you can trust Him with your weight today.”

“Your workout barely counted this morning. Three miles? Are you kidding me?”

“Rest, Child of God. Be still and know that God and cares for you intimately. He made you and knows your body inside out.”

The wrestling between my ears was agonizing. The war seethed, leaving my body a ravaged battle field and my mind wounded by fear. What ends a war? Only a victory. Peace is never found in the middle ground, the center of the battlefield, or in this case in my mind. So I simply gave up.

I don’t mean that I relinquished my life and succumbed to the death knell of self-starvation, depression and skewed pride. I quit searching for my own form of truth, a combination of the voices in my head. I quit trying to make peace between two mortal enemies.

Satan paints a pretty picture. He is the master of disguise. Genesis tells us that when Satan directed Eve’s gaze to the forbidden fruit, “it looked good to her.” Just like Eve, I can be convinced that his arguments make sense. Sometimes God’s law seems harsh and tolerance of sin seems like the easiest option.

“So I’ve discovered this truth: Evil is present with me even when I want to do what God’s standards say is good. I take pleasure in God’s standards in my inner being. However, I see a different standard at work throughout my body. It is at war with the standards my mind sets and tries to take me captive to sin’s standards which still exist throughout my body. What a miserable person I am! Who will rescue me from my dying body?”

What to do? I’m exhausted. I’m not strong enough to get it right, to banish sinful behaviors or stand up for truth one more time. I am in good company. The apostle Paul understood this internal argument. But he didn’t tell me to suck it up, tighten my belt, or try harder. He simply told me, let the best man win.

“I thank God that our Lord Jesus Christ rescues me!”

Romans 7:21-25a

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LONG STORY SHORT…

Long story short…

We started as benjity.wordpress.com, we graduated to predatorylies.com and NOW, we are predatory-lies.com. I promise this is the last time things will change. Long story short, I LOVE WordPress and they offered me a free domain name shortly after we registered at GoDaddy. It’s so much simpler to work with just one registrar and website design software. So please forgive the musical .coms and settle in comfortably with PREDATORY-LIES.COM

AND WELCOME!

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Blast! It’s February Already!

I’ve so many ideas for February, but I’d be lying if I told you that I had any idea where to go with them! Every quiet time I have with Jesus, every poignant conversation with friends, every glance at a headline, every jot and tiddle in my journal begs to be a new blog post. I just hope I can keep track of all the scraps of thoughts long enough to weave them into some interesting fodder for your thought.

For the first full week of the month, I have to get some stuff of my chest. C.S. Lewis says, “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation.” I think the same is true of love. In order to fully love Jesus, and to fully praise Him, I have to share what I love about Him.

Lately, I’ve been discovering some things about being holy. My sisters and I have recently started a Skype-ing, Precepts Bible study. We are studying “Living Like You Belong To God.” In just 40 tiny minutes per week, God is revealing nuggets of gold. Do you wonder if you can ever become completely comfortable with God? Can you regard Him with reverence and as your Daddy at the same time? What does that have to do with being holy?

We’ll look at some other questions:

Can you really be an introverted Christian?

Do you have any alters in your life?

The second week, I think I’ll bring you into my bedroom. That sounds bad! What I mean, is that I’ll allow you to watch my experiment with Project 333. I’m afraid it’s going to be a fiasco, but hey, you never know until you try! I’d love it if you want to do it with me, misery loves company!

It’s funny, I really do wear the same things over and over, but somehow it’s nice just knowing that variety is available. Honestly, when I read this lady’s list of what she’s wearing, 33 items goes a long way.

Also, we’re in the process of upgrading all things WordPress so that I can include video and audio for you. You might even get to watch me winnow out my closet!

So, we’ve taken care of February, week 2.

And lastly, you’ve heard me mention Moody Radio and Publishers hundreds of times. You also know that I read Table Talk, by Ligonier Ministries. Sooner or later, it will no longer catch me by surprise that God weaves all His teachings through my days so seamlessly. Both of these resources have been highlighting the catechisms. Do you know what those are? During the fourth full week of February, I will review the book

The Good News We Almost Forgot: Rediscovering the Gospel in a 16th Century Catechism, by Kevin DeYoung.

And then we have one final partial week before we stomp into March! March! March! Since I expect my head to be spinning with the spiral of time’s dial, and my minutes slipping through like hourglass sand, we will just celebrate the progressive nearness of Christ’s return through poetry.

So that’s it, that’s February in a wrap! See you there!

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Mosaic

Pink is loud.

She sits by Green, a soft-pillow-plump sort.

Black is at the table’s end.

Has that look of everyone’s friend.

Pick-a-little-talk-a-little.

Mosaic of moms on a lunch date.

 

Not too far away,

Huddle White and Stripes.

Next to them

Cuddle Blue and Gray.

Kaleidoscope of couples’ dining.

 

Alone is Pin-Stripe.

Brief business break.

Pressed up against his seat,

Leopard print lady

Carries conversation.

 

Bird’s eye view,

A shifting mosaic,

Of people barely see each other.

Bumping and mumbling

Bodies and voices.

A disjointed puzzle of stories on faces,

in tones, from lips, in postures.

 

Nothing matches, nor need it.

So much the same, so different.

Kaleidoscope, Puzzle, Mosaic of people.

Flitting in a world not their own.

 

Deluded as masters of destiny,

Shifted by time and unseen hand.

One twist of dial, spin of the shaft,

Jilted, jostled, new view.

God laughs.

 

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Project 333

This is a scary post. In fact, I want to write a caveat allowing myself to rescind it later. But, well, let’s just see where this goes.

A few months ago, on Shalom Mama, I read about something called Project 333. I like to think of myself as a minimalist, but after spending 5 days with my in-laws, I doubt I qualify. I grew up on a different planet, but I love they way they live. My youngest sister, who spent a lot of time with my in-laws when she was in college in Stillwater, OK, can attest to the fact that there is an unparalleled peace in their home. There is no pretension, no chaos, no frills and no expectations. My mother-in-law dresses nicely for work, my father-in-law does too, wearing one of 2 pair of identical pants and one of 3 identical shirts. When relaxing, Julie always wears a pair of her running pants and a lightweight t-shirt. Her only accessory, “You’re naked without a necklace.”

Their home is quiet and spacious. There’s a futon to sit on in the living room and only a tiny 13″ TV if you must watch something. If there are too many people to squeeze on the futon, feel free to pull up a floor cushion! I’ve never heard anyone complain. Instead, the feeling of family togetherness is enhanced by fewer distractions.

So, back to Project 333. There are levels to the program, but I’ll start with the basics: Whittle down my wardrobe to 33 items of clothing (including jewelry, outerwear and shoes) for 3 months. I like to think I don’t have too many clothes, but the truth is I frequently find items I had forgotten I owned. Really, I don’t WEAR too many clothes, it’s easiest just to wear the same things over and over.

So, I guess this qualifies as a New Year’s resolution, or a three-month resolution. Do you think I can do it? Do you want to join me? I will add on the resolution to actually take more pictures. That way I can show you what I’m doing. You can laugh at my incongruous outfits or compliment me on my simple style.

Next week, I will lay out the schedule for February’s posts. However, I will commit now to sharing my Project 333 progress with you each Friday. Wish me luck!

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I QUIT, Wait, I Lied… can i have my job back?

Since we returned from our trip to visit family in Oklahoma and Kansas, I have quit my job five times. To spare myself further embarrassment, I won’t let you read all the emails that I sent to my boss. Here’s an example:

John, I just have too much going on. I have so many commitments and only 24 hours a day and as much as I love working at South Run, I just can’t do it!

Ok, I changed my mind. I enjoy the income and it’s not that many hours. Can I just work on Monday and not on Saturday?

Wait, wait, wait. I need to just quit working. Can I just volunteer? I need the flexibility.

OK, I’m really, really sorry. Just ignore all previous emails and I’ll keep working my regular schedule. Sorry, I’m just over dramatic and easily ruffled. I just had to catch back up with life after being out of town for 2 weeks. I’ll be OK.

What’s really embarrassing, is that I’ve done all this before, at other jobs. I have also applied, gotten hired, panicked and quit before I ever started. I know, by now you’re convinced that I’m a total flake and you’re really glad that I’m not working for you. Right?

Most of my extracurricular activities revolve around my desire to serve Christ and others for the benefit of His kingdom. Whenever I am asked to serve at the church, to help with a particular ministry, to encourage a downcast Christian, to volunteer somewhere or to join another Bible study, I’m loathe to decline.

By Thursday, I was laden with guilt. What kind of a witness for Christ can a flake possibly be? But is it OK to turn down the opportunity to do something for someone else or for a good cause in the name of Christ?

Anxious to serve his Master, [the Christian] finds his strength unequal to his zeal: his constant cry is, “Help me to serve thee, O my God.” If he be thoroughly active, he will have much labour; not too much for his will, but more than enough for his power, so that he will cry out, “I am not wearied of the labour, but I am wearied in it.” Ah! Christian, the hot day of weariness lasts not forever; the sun is nearing the horizon; it shall rise again with a brighter day than thou hast ever seen upon a land where they serve God day and night, and yet rest from their labours. Here, rest is but partial, there, it is perfect.  - Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

So, in the spirit of anti-resolution, I commit to dissolve my over commitments and my self-imposed efforts to further Christ’s kingdom.

Father, use me as much as, and only as much as, you desire. And leave enough of my frail energies as to fully devote myself to fellowship with you!

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Friendship Poems All Over the Place

A few months ago, we did a Starbucks give away here on Predatory Lies. Well, I thought that recipients would take friends out to coffee and see already established friendships flourish. Boy, was I lucky! I found a new friend in the craziest way! She has commented on this blog before, and then she won a set of gift cards so I had to learn her address and guess what – she lives in my home town!

We’ve still never met, but we have now exchanged cards and small gifts and I have tiny glimpse of her precious, unique personality. How big is our Awesome God!

Here’s my reply poem to her, as she recently posted one that referenced our new-found friendship.

OH my goodness, you make me smile!!
Forget the distance, the space and mile.
It takes hours, minutes or days to see,
Passing time to touch, to reach.

But a thought!
Just a moment, and it’s shared so wide.
Others we’ll never see,
Now share the love ‘tween you and me.

The Velveteen Rabbit once was told,
Reality can’t be bought or sold.
Neither can friendship, it takes belief,
I believe in you and me.

So here’s my kiss, on your precious cheek,
And I’ll squeeze your hand.
This tiny peak,
Into your soul.

Thank you for opening your heart.
Like a flower, your fragrant grace
Escaped the hours.
Of space,
Of distance, of mile.
New, old, REAL friend,
You make me smile.

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I Am Resolved To Lose Control

That doesn’t sound like a very good New Year’s resolution, does it? But then, I told you I don’t like to make New Year’s resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are mean’t to be broken; they are almost laughable. I work at  South Run RECenter, so already this year I’ve met hundreds of good intentions cloaked in tired bodies. I’ve sold probably 50 years worth of memberships, most of which will never be worn out, for that matter neither will the Asics on the feet of the purchaser.

We have all met (or made them ourselves) the individual swearing to start journaling this year. Or, they promise to get more rest, or get up earlier. We, or they, pledge to spend more quality time with our kids or spouse, to control our eating or spending, to get a grip on our gossip habit.

What do each of these examples have in common? We want to take control of ourselves! We long to to master our circumstances, our desires, our impulses and even our relationships.

I just picked up a new book recently. As usual, I heard the author interviewed on Janet Parshall’s show. Chantel Hobbs is the woman you want to hate. She is scary gorgeous and used to weigh 350 pounds. She’s the author of several books, the one I’m reading is called, Love Food and Live Well. 

 You know my story. I have had a ridiculous fear of food since the age of 14. So, the concept of loving food is foreign to me. I’m not interested in Hobb’s weight loss prescription. At least I didn’t think I was. But Chantel takes a whole new, holistic approach. I’m not talking about organic products, deep cleanses and special herbs. I’m talking about taking a look at your whole body, spirit and soul. Hobbs doesn’t separate the belly fat from the idolatry of food lust. She doesn’t endorse sit-ups and long-distance running, ignoring the exercise of faith. She doesn’t encourage you to get a grip on your physical appetite, while starving your spirit.

Personally, most of my recovery from anorexia has been overshadowed by the discouraging thought that I had to get my behaviors right before I could get my fellowship with God right. Once I had control of my idolatrous behaviors, THEN I could ask God to take control of my life. Do you feel that way?

Too many of us confuse love with control. In the past, most things I really loved I loved poorly. I know this becasue as I tried to control them I always felt out of control. Whether it was food, friendships, jobs, or material stuff, I lived in fear – the fear of losing whatever I was trying to possess. – Chantel Hobbs, Love Food and Live Well

Ouch. How true of my perverted love. I noticed recently that I feel angry when I think about my sisters – the three women I love more than anyone in the world. I can’t control the fact that they can see each other every single day and hold my niece or drive to my mom’s house. So, feeling disconnected and out of control way over here on the east coast, my love for them simmers – poisoned by anger.

I say that I love working out. I don’t even know if that’s true on any level. I do know that I love the feeling of being in control of my body. Take away that control, tell me I can’t exercise tomorrow or that I have to take a week off, and my “love” just might explode in deadly rage.

So, I will set a New Year’s dissolution. I resolve to dissolve control.